Ideally, your loved one (IOC) understands they’ve crossed a line, they’re at the epicenter of a disruption and need to make change. But addiction doesn’t allow them to fully own their contribution to the crisis.

How has the crisis disrupted functioning?

Who is the Individual of Concern (IOC)?

You’re probably wondering how you can best be helpful. First, look at your relationship.

Legally, your child is an adult. Whether they are just over 18 yrs, or decades over 18, you may or may not feel you have responsibility or influence. Let me assure you that your interactions have influence.

The Relationship

In crisis, your history with your child can be both an asset or an obstacle. If your child is not motivated to reach our for help, I’m guessing you’ve had some conversations to motivate them. For many, those conversations don’t go well, or maybe they seemed to go okay but your child was not able to do what they say. Their actions don’t align with their words. This may be a pattern they have from the past and it may be a symptom of addiction. It’s not either or; it’s both and.

Consider the history of the relationship you have with your child. It’s important. Actually, it’s key. If you’re curious and open to learning a little about the 4 types of parent child relationships check out https://dianepooleheller.com/attachment-styles/

Parenting influences how a child sees themself in the world, how they relate to others, and how they get their needs met. However, when/if addiction is behind the crisis and addiction has been gradually progressing over time it’s likely that through no fault of your child they’ve learned to connect to the chemical, behavior, or process much more than to a human (or in the case of opiates/heroine, your child can become addicted much quicker than something like alcohol). Know that a lack of parenting does not cause addiction. However, a lack of parenting can result in problems, with addiction being a solution to numb the pain. Often people who did not experience abuse as a child don’t see a connection between their childhood and addiction. Even without the presence of abuse, things that should have happened in childhood, but didn’t-like emotional neglect, is often felt as normal.

Listen to the podcast, Families Navigating Addiction & Recovery with Dr. Jonice Webb who describes emotional neglect. This may be an opportunity for you to look through a new lens at patterns of parenting that occurred in past generations. http://hpi.gya.temporary.site/category/podcasts/

At best, the relationship between you and your child has a history of secure attachment before the slow gradual process of addiction. A history of secure attachment gives your child a memory of functionality and skills that will serve them well in recovery.

Maybe you’ve communicated your concern for them, asked questions and really listened. You’ve done your best to not communicate in anger, and manage any anger directed at you by not engaging in it.

At worst, the relationship between you and your child has a history of a challenging type of attachment that includes pain, hurt and emotional baggage. Initially, addiction can be a natural solution to numb pain. Healing in recovery involves developing inner resources to feel the pain and dis-identify from it.

Maybe you’ve gotten triggered, raised your voice, gotten in arguments and demanded they make a change. Maybe you’ve done this many times.

Either way, challenging areas in the history of your relationship may be acted out in the present. The crisis today feels so personal, so painful. Every time another crisis arises with your child the normal tendency is try and solve the problem. But what’s missed is your feelings.

Your feelings don’t seem important. Where your child’s addiction can be seen as a strategy to numb themself from painful feelings, you can become “addicted” to your strategy to try and fix their problem. A circular looping pattern develops. Your own feelings are brushed away.

Without falling back into old patterns, owning your inner feelings and expressing them are where you have the most influence with your child, regardless of their age. The process of feeling, owning and expressing is key to your work to have your conversations with your child be heard over the noise of addiction.

The Conversation

I’m reminded of a wise mentor I had back in the 80’s and 90’s who stated, “Only in the presence of compassion will a person allow themselves to see the truth.” It’s optimal for you to create this presence of compassion in your relationship with your child. If this is not realistic for you, it’s a sign that you need someone to create this presence of compassion for you before you can do this for your child.

Know there is a way out. It starts with you taking new action. Your role is key. Right now, it may be less likely that your child can change and more likely that you can make change.

Addiction interrupts the developmental process and brain functioning of your child. Addiction disruption impacts your brain as well, but right now, it’s likely you have more capacity to change than your child.

Many parents think, “why do I need to change? It’s not me who has the problem.”

You need to change because what you’ve been doing has not been working. What you’ve been doing in some way, even a small way, has played a role in the addictive cycle.

It’s likely the addiction crisis has been building for years. Your child is at the epicenter of the addiction disruption. You, as their parent, are in the next ring out from the epicenter. Of course, you’ve received impact, maybe for years.

The number one false belief that contributes to your pain and your child not changing is:

• The addiction problem is solved by fixing the one with the addiction.

There are multiple reasons why this belief is so strong. One is that it if you catch the problem early enough it may work, for a while.

But then it comes back. It may feel hopeless. It’s not.

There are antidotes that you can do to :

• Recognize that your families structure (rules, routines, communication, relationships, etc) has been impacted to defend agains addiction, but inadvertently created an environment that allowed addiction to grow.
• Include an and/both focus, fluidly shifting back and forth between the problem and what surrounds the problem. Your feelings are in the context.
• Intend to learn new skills so you can better manage the ups and downs and have a new conversation.
• Develop a method of honest communication with yourself about what you can and cannot do and the impact it has on you.

Criteria for the Conversation

Ask, “what drives my approach in past communication with my child?” Likely, this approach will not produce the result you intend. So, what’s a new conversation look like?

I’m reminded of a wise mentor I had back in the 80’s and 90’s who said, “Only in the presence of compassion will a person allow themselves to see the truth.”

Your job in this new conversation is to create conditions of compassion for your child. Here’s some do’s and don’t to help you navigate the conversation:

• Do set an intention to increase trust and depth in your connection.
• Do create an atmosphere of compassion for yourself. If you can’t do this, reach out to someone who can create an atmosphere of compassion for you.
• Do know that your feelings are your responsibility. Don’t put your feelings on your child.
• Don’t start with your feelings about your child’s bad behavior.
• Do be aware of your areas of vulnerability to loosing your cool and your strengths to mange them.
• Do take a break if your emotions escalate. Temporarily remove yourself and calm yourself down. If you can’t do this, reach out to someone who can create an atmosphere of compassion for you.

Your child’s crisis will feel as if you must act immediately. Sure, when it’s life or death you must act. Any parent, or any person with compassion, if they see someone who walks in front of a bus they’ll use force and pull them away from getting hit by the bus. This is a natural tendency, especially in the relationship parent’s have with their child.

Thick or thin, there’s tentacles of love between you and your child. If you act from this alone, you’re in trouble. Addiction will manipulate the connection of love every time. You must realize addiction is not personal. In fact, addiction exploits the connection. The positive connection of love is a threat to the connection addiction has with your child. Addiction will not roll over. Addiction will fight.

Addiction sees you as their killer. Addiction will attempt to suck you into a fight. You’ll lose every time. When you talk to your child, imagine that you’re talking to addiction. If you approach a conversation as if you’re talking to the child you remember, the child you love, you’re inviting addiction to take advantage. Even when your loved one’s words sound sincere, it is very possible addiction will not allow your child to do what they say.

So, the first step in having a conversation is to create an environment of compassion for your child. This may be the only step needed, but you may need to do it over and over.

Your child must feel the difference between this approach and every other approach to a conversation you’ve ever had. This is a huge task. You must prepare yourself.

In your thinking, separate your loved one from addiction. Even when your child is clean and sober, realize you cannot have a conversation with them without addiction manipulating your words, twisting meaning, and engaging in battle with you. Addiction may be threatened and resort to any means possible to deter your attempts to take back your child.

Unless a bus is bearing down on your child, it is not your responsibility to get in the way of your child feeling the weight of their own behavior. Your child needs to feel the pain or they have no motivation to change. Unless a bus is bearing down on your child, helping them may inadvertently help addiction.

Look into their eyes. Breathe deeply. Look for what’s behind their eyes. What is the emotion you see or imagine behind their eyes. Connect with that emotion. Be with that emotion. Ask about that emotion. Guess what’s it’s like for your child. Be willing to be wrong. Stay connected to that feeling inside your own body. This, more than anything is your barometer to your moment by moment decisions to say anything or just be with your child.

Do not react to their anger. It’s crucial that you stay connected to that place inside. It’s crucial that you are grounded and present. Keep the tone of your voice slow and calm. Let them dance around you. Refuse to engage in the dance, the dance of the past.

I know the past patterns will be stirred up in you. This is probably not the time to talk about them. Be aware of your own feelings. Feelings, not thoughts. Feelings are one word. Sentences are thoughts. You want to connect with your own feelings. Own them. Be with them. Be with your child’s feelings. The more you sit with your child’s feelings the greater the possibility they will feel their own feelings.

This is an opportunity for you to have your own transformation. You are more in control of your change, than you are of your child’s change.

Don’t expect this conversation to change anything quickly. Addiction is a slow gradual process. So is healing.

Advice Giving

Are they asking for your advice? It’s great if they are, but don’t expect they can fulfill on anything they say. They may make commitments that addiction will not allow them to do. Addiction is either strongly influencing or controlling your child’s thoughts, feelings, words and actions. Realize change is an incremental process. Your child may need support with every tiny step in making change.

Criteria for Decision Making

• Your child is over 18, an adult, but is this the first crisis? If there’s been more than one, what do you see as a pattern?
• They’ve experienced crisis, how confident are you they can make their own best decisions?
• What can you do within yourself to increase your connection with your child?
• How can you strengthen your own inner resources?
• Are you providing financial support for them in any way? Your financial support may make it easier for them to not take responsibility and make it easier for addiction to continue.
• Can you create an atmosphere of compassion for yourself? Your child?
• Can you hold this atmosphere of compassion when addiction becomes nasty? What resources and support systems do you have?

It’s not unusual that a young adult gets pulled into addiction. Too often, their parents say to themselves, “well, they’re an adult. They can make their own decisions.” If addiction is a piece of this puzzle, know your child cannot make their own best decisions.

Of the two below what is your situation?

It’s likely this problem will not go away in a few days or few weeks. Take it seriously.

Next Steps

First, do what you need to do to manage the crisis with your child. Do what they cannot do for themself, but allow them to feel the weight of their own behavior. They’re an adult. Consider allowing natural consequences.

Second, whether it’s just you or you and others in your family, it’s optimal to see addiction as an opportunity to change. The opportunity is to include an and/both focus, fluidly shifting back and forth between the problem and what surrounds the problem. You and your family surround the problem. Much can be done to help increase protective factors in your family, and if applicable to create an environment that is inhospitable to active addiction.

Third, create your own support systems to learn, practice and integrate aspects of the above that serve you best. Through this process you’ll be needing to make important decisions. Staying engaged with these resources over time will support you to make best decisions.

There are multiple pathways to individual and family recovery. Familiarize yourself with the possibilities. Ideally, you’ll look into the multiple avenues available to you, choose what fits for you, and stay engaged over time. (link to Multiple Pathways pdf)

Online Crisis group provides structure, connection with likeminded others, and natural opportunities for skill building

The structure of the online groups starts with opportunities for you to navigate the continuum between anonymity and openly sharing who you are and details you wish to share about your situation.

The structure supports you to self select what is most appropriate for you. You can start with anonymity and can move to openly sharing details of your situation. You will have choice each step of the way. The online groups are not facebook groups.

All of the groups provide opportunities for you to learn and practice:

• Building trust
• Boundaries
• Communication skills
• Conflict resolution skills
• Problem solving skills

These are all skills you can implement into your family when you choose.

The objective of the Crisis group is to know what contributes to crisis, what you can do to defuse it, understand how best use your relationship to stay connected with your loved one, and inspire action that best meets your goals.

The Crisis group will meet online 3 times a week for an hour. Half of the time will be spent with an opening, check in’s, and specific content delivery on a 12 week rotation. The other half of the time is for group members to share what has worked and not relative to the topic, reflections, questions and coaching.

Here’s an example of topics:

• The key under every strategy to help you navigate crisis
• Learn the do’s & don’t’s for conversations with your loved one
• Learn deescalation techniques
• Find your criteria for decision making in any situation

Addiction will minimize crisis. Take it seriously.

You have an option between individual coaching or group coaching

The objective of the Crisis group is to support you to best address crisis when it arises. You’ll learn how to best use internal and external resources as you navigate before, during, and after a crisis. It’s not same for each person’s situation.

The Crisis group will meet online three times a week for an hour. Half of the time will be spent with an opening, check in’s, and specific content delivery. The other half of the time is for group members to share what has worked and relative to the topic, and what hasn’t worked. It’s a time to ask questions, get coaching, and if you like, ask for an accountability buddy from the group.

Here’s an example of topics:

• Strategies to help in crisis and how to know what’s best for your situation
• Learn the do’s & don’t’s for conversations with your loved one
• Learn deescalation techniques

It’s great when a crisis is a wakeup call that results in longterm change, but with addiction it’s likely the impaired brain of addiction is stronger then a wakeup call. Your role is to support your loved one, not addiction. There will be a series of decisions to be made. The Crisis group is an environment of likeminded people to support you brainstorming options and providing resources for you to make decisions that are best for you.

The crisis of your loved one comes with a message and an opportunity. Your loved one cannot recognize it. But with your abilities to stay regulated and calm, it’s much more likely that you can use crisis to make new decisions.

Take crisis seriously.

You have choices: an online group or individual coaching.