Who is the Individual of Concern (IOC)?

With the Individual of Concern being under 18, you as their parent have a legal responsibility. Find out the specifics of this responsibility for your state at your public health department. One example is with your child’s school.

The school has policies on how to deal with infractions to school rules and policies. You may be pulled into feeling the need to advocate and support your child. You may see the school’s policies as being unfair to your child. You may feel you need to address the school systems rules. Fight for your child’s rights.

You may hear one story from your child and another from the school. You may want to trust your child implicitly. Be very careful. If you act solely on emotion you may inadvertently enable the problem.

The Relationship

In crisis, your history with your child can be both an asset and/or an obstacle. Your goal is to support them from crisis to safety and/or from addiction to sobriety. Now is not the time to bring up an old grudge. For now, take the high road. Focus on their safety and respond to what’s happening in the present.

There are a number of different possibilities in responding to crisis for parents with their underage child. It is ideal when both parents are engaged in the child’s life, both parents make and holdup boundaries, and both parent do the nurturing and empathizing.

It’s reality that there are numerous less than optimal parenting situations. Either way, if the school or criminal justice system is involved, except in rare instances, support their requirements with your child.

I know you love your child. But how you express your love in this situation will speak volumes, and may well have long lasting implications.

Cultural Structures that manage crisis

On the previous page was a spreadsheet of structures in each county: police and criminal justice, hospitals, schools and government and private businesses. Look at the dropdown to get a sense of how each of these can be helpful in crisis. Each county has a public health department. Check yours to determine local resources.

In the example of the school structure, know that they will have guidelines, rules and consequences.

First, would your form of advocating for your child enable your child’s bad behavior?

Second, does not advocating for your child send a message that the rules do not apply to them, that they do not have to be responsible for their actions? Are you satisfied that your child understands consequences of their actions?

Essentially, your choice is to let your child feel the consequences of their behavior, or help them with their problem that risks enabling, protect them from consequences, and perhaps send a message to them that you don’t trust they can handle it.

This is an important decision. This is about your child, not you. Are you concerned with what others think? What will your child learn from how you make a decision?

Criteria for decision making

Whatever decision you make, it’s important to establish a criteria for decision making and stay engaged with your child over time.

Here’s some examples of criteria:

• What history does your child have with the problem?
• What history do you have with your child and the problem?
• How is the problem related to your child’s developmental stage?
• Have you seen the problem manifest at home? If so, was how you addressed it helpful?
• What is the history the school has on parents intervening?
• What are potential longterm implications? (if you intervene or not)

Be very careful. There is no one answer that applies to these questions.

It’s likely that you’ll have multiple opportunities to reinforce whatever decision you make.

At best, the relationship between you and your child has a history of trust, mutual respect and clear boundaries before the slow gradual process of addiction. Maybe you’ve communicated your concern for them, asked questions and really listened. You’ve done your best to not communicate in anger, and manage any anger directed at you by not engaging in it.

At worst, the relationship between you and your child has a history of a challenge, pain, hurt and emotional baggage. Maybe you’ve gotten triggered, raised your voice, gotten in arguments and demanded they make a change. Maybe you’ve done this many times.

If you’ve been in a conflictual role with your child, listen to the podcast with Dr. Mark Goulston who provides valuable tips in connecting with people who don’t want to connect with you.

http://hpi.gya.temporary.site/2018/10/17/dr-mark-goulston-suicide-expert-more/

Of the two below what is your situation?

It’s likely this problem will not go away in a few days or few weeks. Take it seriously.

What are your resources?

You staying calm insures that you will be making best decisions. If you become easily activated, it’s a sign that you having resources for yourself is needed. In this case, it’s likely that your level of activation impacts your relationship with your child. Find resources and engage in them.

Even if you do not become easily activated, multiple resources support you to make best decisions and be a resource for your child. Your calm grounding presence provides a container for your child to be open with you about their inner struggles. Your calm grounding presence provides safety for your child to speak both sides of an inner conflict. If you can’t be in this role, it’s a sign having additional resources is needed.

Assuming you are a two parent household, formulate your criteria and have an adult discussion of pros and cons. If you are single parent, talk to a trusted friend, other parents who’ve been in similar situations, and/or talk to a therapist.

Online Crisis group provides structure, connection with likeminded others, and natural opportunities for skill building

The structure of the online groups starts with opportunities for you to navigate the continuum between anonymity and openly sharing who you are and details you wish to share about your situation.

The structure supports you to self select what is most appropriate for you. You can start with anonymity and can move to openly sharing details of your situation. You will have choice each step of the way. The online groups are not facebook groups.

All of the groups provide opportunities for you to learn and practice:

• Building trust
• Boundaries
• Communication skills
• Conflict resolution skills
• Problem solving skills

These are all skills you can implement into your family when you choose.

The objective of the Crisis group is to know what contributes to crisis, what you can do to defuse it, understand how best use your relationship to stay connected with your loved one, and inspire action that best meets your goals.

The Crisis group will meet online 3 times a week for an hour. Half of the time will be spent with an opening, check in’s, and specific content delivery on a 12 week rotation. The other half of the time is for group members to share what has worked and not relative to the topic, reflections, questions and coaching.

Here’s an example of topics:

• The key under every strategy to help you navigate crisis
• Learn the do’s & don’t’s for conversations with your loved one
• Learn deescalation techniques
• Find your criteria for decision making in any situation

Addiction will minimize crisis. Take it seriously.

You have an option between individual coaching or group coaching

The objective of the Crisis group is to support you to best address crisis when it arises. You’ll learn how to best use internal and external resources as you navigate before, during, and after a crisis. It’s not same for each person’s situation.

The Crisis group will meet online three times a week for an hour. Half of the time will be spent with an opening, check in’s, and specific content delivery. The other half of the time is for group members to share what has worked and relative to the topic, and what hasn’t worked. It’s a time to ask questions, get coaching, and if you like, ask for an accountability buddy from the group.

Here’s an example of topics:

• Strategies to help in crisis and how to know what’s best for your situation
• Learn the do’s & don’t’s for conversations with your loved one
• Learn deescalation techniques

It’s great when a crisis is a wakeup call that results in longterm change, but with addiction it’s likely the impaired brain of addiction is stronger then a wakeup call. Your role is to support your loved one, not addiction. There will be a series of decisions to be made. The Crisis group is an environment of likeminded people to support you brainstorming options and providing resources for you to make decisions that are best for you.

The crisis of your loved one comes with a message and an opportunity. Your loved one cannot recognize it. But with your abilities to stay regulated and calm, it’s much more likely that you can use crisis to make new decisions.

Take crisis seriously.

You have choices: an online group or individual coaching.