Who is the Individual of Concern (IOC)?

With the Individual of Concern being your parent, I’m guessing you have quite a bit of history with them. You may know the person they were before the addiction. You probably have a range of feelings, emotions and opinions. You may want to trust your parent; you may have learned differently. Your parent may want you to trust them. They may want a better parent/child relationship, maybe not.

Either way, your interactions have influence. Either way, you and your parent have a story about one another. Don’t argue about the accuracy. Right now, the accuracy is less important than your relationship.

The Relationship

In crisis, your history with your parent can be both an asset or an obstacle. If your goal is to support them from crisis to safety and/or from addiction to sobriety, now is not the time to bring up an old grudge. For now, take the high road. Focus on their safety. If you can’t, support a family member who can.

Consider your role in relation with your parent. What are the stories you tell yourself about them in the privacy of your thinking? It’s easy to see their patterns.You have an opinion. You may think it’s important to express it. Now may not be the best time.

If your opinion is negative and judgmental or if you’ve been in the caretaker role with them for much of your life, either way look at the history of your own patterns. Recognize if you take the same approach in relating with them it may contribute to more of the same and may be counterproductive to creating a container of change.

Be curious about shame your parent may feel. When you have a parent in addiction, I believe another wave of shame isn’t going to help. Creating a container of compassion can help. But th container of compassion will look a little different depending on the history of your relationship. This isn’t about lying to yourself. It’s more about connecting deeper inside yourself and pushing your own edges of growth

Your parent triggers something inside of you. Be curious about your beliefs.

If you’ve been in the caretaker role with your parent, listen to Morgana Rae’s and Heidi Le’s podcast on the “Families Navigating Addiction & Recovery.” Both women have powerful stories about a parent in addiction and how they did their own healing work. http://hpi.gya.temporary.site/category/podcasts/page/2/

If you’ve been in a conflictual role with your parent, listen to the podcast with Dr. Mark Goulston who provides valuable tips in connecting with people who don’t want to connect with you.

At best, the relationship between you and your parent has a history of trust, mutual respect and clear boundaries before the slow gradual process of addiction. Maybe you’ve communicated your concern for them, asked questions and really listened. You’ve done your best to not communicate in anger, and manage any anger directed at you by not engaging in it.

At worst, the relationship between you and your parent has a history of a challenge, pain, hurt and emotional baggage. Maybe you’ve gotten triggered, raised your voice, gotten in arguments and demanded they make a change. Maybe you’ve done this many times.

Either way, challenging areas in the history of your relationship may be acted out in the present. The crisis feels so personal, so painful. Every time another crisis arises with your parent the normal tendency is to react in the same way. Eventually, you want to disrupt this pattern.

Where your parent’s addiction can be seen as a strategy to numb themself from painful feelings, you can become “addicted” to your strategy to fix them. You can become fixed to your beliefs, your pattern of relating, and the way you connect. Two people reacting to one another’s triggers becomes a circular looping pattern.

Ideally, your goal is to support your parent getting safe after a crisis. Before you have a conversation with your parent, it’s important for you to learn about addiction.

• https://www.samhsa.gov/capt/practicing-effective-prevention/prevention-behavioral-health/risk-protective-factors
• https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugs-brains-behavior-science-addiction/drugs-brain

Ideally, you help to create a container of safety for heart to heart conversations.

The Conversation

I’m reminded of a wise mentor I had back in the 80’s and 90’s who stated, “Only in the presence of compassion will a person allow themselves to see the truth.” It’s optimal for you to create this presence of compassion in your relationship with your parent, but if this is not realistic for you, it’s a sign that you may not be the right person in the family to lead a joint effort. It’s a sign you  may need someone to create this presence of compassion for you before you can do this for your parent.

If you don’t want to have a conversation with your parent:

• Consider sorting through your feelings with a trusted friend, coach or therapist
• Avoiding can be a short term strategy in crisis, but has longterm consequences

Your feelings are important. A longterm strategy of holding them rigidly may not serve you longterm, at least it won’t serve on a level of family healing. Consider this an opportunity to look with new eyes at your family situation and your parent’s role.

If you do want to have a conversation with your parent:

• Be clear about what outcome you’d like to see happen from a conversation
• Consider past patterns of communication and find a way to deepen it
• It won’t be helpful to blast your feelings all over your parent
• This is not a time to increase their shame
• Own what you can and stay positive

Know that addiction interrupts brain functioning. Your parent will likely be stuck in a reactive pattern. You own your side of a pattern. In theory, you have more potential to change how you look at your relationship with your parent than they do. It’s an opportunity, not an obligation

In a family with addiction there are different roles. Your role helped to set patterns in how you see the situation with your parent. Consider looking at the situation through multiple lens. Don’t believe everything you think.

You may think, “why do I need to change? It’s not me who has the problem.”

Change is not about lying to yourself or changing your personhood, but about changing your perspective. Change is about staying engaged with your parent while being compassionate with yourself as well as your parent.

It’s likely the addiction crisis has been building for years. It’s likely you’ve seen plenty of signs. Your parent is at the epicenter of the addiction disruption. You, as their parent, also have been in a role in the family around the slow, gradually building problem. Of course, you’ve received impact, maybe for years.

Thick or thin, there’s tentacles of connection and perhaps love between you and your parent. If you act from this alone, you’re in trouble. Addiction will manipulate the connection every time. Addiction exploits the connection. The positive connection of love is a threat to the connection addiction has with your parent. Addiction will not roll over. Addiction will fight. It may seem like your parent is fighting with you. See this as addiction. It’s not personal.

Addiction will attempt to suck you into a fight. You’ll lose every time. When you talk to your parent, imagine that you’re talking to addiction. If you approach a conversation as if you’re talking to the positive parent you remember, you’re inviting addiction to take advantage. Even when your loved one’s words sound sincere, it is very possible addiction will not allow your parent to do what they say. You may just write them off as a liar, but it’s not personal.

So, the first step in having a conversation is to create an environment of compassion for your self and your parent. This may be the only step needed, but you may need to do it over and over.

You want your parent to feel the difference between this approach and every other approach to a conversation you’ve ever had. This is a huge task. You must prepare yourself.

Assume everything that comes out of their mouth is coming from an impaired brain. In your thinking, separate your parent from addiction. In your language, separate your parent from addiction. If your intention is to connect with your parent, realize that you need to get under the veil of addiction. Listen to the podcast, “Families Navigating Addiction & Recovery” in the episode with Dr. Mark Goulston. http://hpi.gya.temporary.site/2018/10/17/dr-mark-goulston-suicide-expert-more/

Unless a bus is bearing down on your parent, it is not your responsibility to get in the way of your parent feeling the weight of their own behavior. Your parent needs to feel the pain or they have no motivation to change. On the other side, blaming and shaming your parent and thinking this will motivate them to change is a myth.

Look into their eyes. Breathe deeply. Look for what’s behind their eyes. What is the emotion you see or imagine behind their eyes. Connect with that emotion. Be with that emotion. Ask about that emotion. Guess what’s it’s like for your parent. Be willing to be wrong. Stay connected to that feeling inside your own body. This, more than anything is your barometer to your moment by moment decisions to say anything or just be with your parent.

Do not react to their anger. It’s crucial that you stay connected to that place inside. It’s crucial that you are grounded and present. Keep the tone of your voice slow and calm. Let them dance around you. Refuse to engage in the dance of the past.

Crisis is not the time to talk with your parent about past patterns that get stirred up. Be aware of your own feelings. Feelings, not thoughts. Feelings are one word. Sentences are thoughts. You want to connect with your own feelings. Own them. Be with them.

Only when you can sit with and own your feelings, can you separate your parent’s feelings from your own feelings. Being comfortable with increases the possibility your parent will feel their own feelings. Don’t try to change them.

Separating your feelings from your parent’s, being with them without judgment starts a shift in your relationship. You are more in control of your change, then you are of your parent’s change.

Don’t expect this conversation to change anything quickly. Addiction is a slow gradual process. So is healing.

Advice Giving

Are they asking for your advice? It’s great if they are, but it’s unrealistic to expect they can fulfill on anything they say. They may make commitments that addiction will not allow them to do. Addiction is either strongly influencing or controlling your parent’s thoughts, feelings, words and actions. Don’t give advice, especially if your pattern is giving them advice. But if you do, don’t expect them to take your advice. Be gentle with yourself.

But if your parent asks your advice and listens to your advice, know they will likely need help being successful. Break down the steps in the process of what they would like to do, attach the steps to timeline and explore how they can have support with each step. Explore how having a buddy to go through this with would increase the potential for them succeed and have a sounding board when it’s difficult.

The criteria for the person in, what I’m calling the sounding board role is that they:

• Understand the complexity and tenacity of addiction on the human body
• Understand the challenges and obstacles in the pathway of recovery
• Create an environment of compassion for themselves and for your parent
• Can separate your parent’s personhood from addiction
• Can separate their own agenda from your parent’s agenda
• Listen well

This person might be:

• A new friend in a self help group (example: an AA participant or eventually a sponsor)
• A recovery coach
• A therapist

Initially, this person might be you. Perhaps not. Realize this journey is not just a short trip through one rapid and then the challenge is over. Think of this journey your parent may take as a hero’s journey. Historically, for women this would be like Innana’s journey to the underworld or for men the Gilgemesh story. A more modern day example is Dorothy’s journey in the Wizard of Oz. She is open to the help of others for her to navigate obstacles in her journey.

Realize change is an incremental process. Your parent needs support with every step in making change. Know they’ll likely disagree. They may say they can do it by themselves. However, each time they try and fail on their own increases their level of shame. Change may look like you planting seeds in rich, tilled soil. Your providing space without judgement works nutrients into the soil.

It’s likely this problem will not go away in a few days or few weeks. Take it seriously.

Next Steps

First, do what you need to do to manage the crisis with your parent. Do what they cannot do for themself, and allow them to feel the weight of their own behavior. Consider allowing natural consequences.

Second, whether it’s just you or you and others in your family, it’s optimal to see addiction as an opportunity for change. The opportunity is to include an and/both focus, fluidly shifting back and forth between the problem and what surrounds the problem. You and your family surround the problem. Much can be done to help increase protective factors in your family, and to create an environment of compassion and if applicable, eventually an environment inhospitable to active addiction.

Third, create your own support systems to learn, practice and integrate aspects of the above that serve you best. Through this process you may be involved in making important decisions. Staying engaged with these resources over time will support you to make best decisions.

There are multiple pathways to individual and family recovery. Familiarize yourself with the possibilities. This document suggest the multiple avenues available to your parent to choose what fits and for your family as well. (link to Multiple Pathways pdf)

Online Crisis group provides structure, connection with likeminded others, and natural opportunities for skill building

The structure of the online groups starts with opportunities for you to navigate the continuum between anonymity and openly sharing who you are and details you wish to share about your situation.

The structure supports you to self select what is most appropriate for you. You can start with anonymity and can move to openly sharing details of your situation. You will have choice each step of the way. The online groups are not facebook groups.

All of the groups provide opportunities for you to learn and practice:

• Building trust
• Boundaries
• Communication skills
• Conflict resolution skills
• Problem solving skills

These are all skills you can implement into your family when you choose.

The objective of the Crisis group is to know what contributes to crisis, what you can do to defuse it, understand how best use your relationship to stay connected with your loved one, and inspire action that best meets your goals.

The Crisis group will meet online 3 times a week for an hour. Half of the time will be spent with an opening, check in’s, and specific content delivery on a 12 week rotation. The other half of the time is for group members to share what has worked and not relative to the topic, reflections, questions and coaching.

Here’s an example of topics:

• The key under every strategy to help you navigate crisis
• Learn the do’s & don’t’s for conversations with your loved one
• Learn deescalation techniques
• Find your criteria for decision making in any situation

Addiction will minimize crisis. Take it seriously.

You have an option between individual coaching or group coaching

The objective of the Crisis group is to support you to best address crisis when it arises. You’ll learn how to best use internal and external resources as you navigate before, during, and after a crisis. It’s not same for each person’s situation.

The Crisis group will meet online three times a week for an hour. Half of the time will be spent with an opening, check in’s, and specific content delivery. The other half of the time is for group members to share what has worked and relative to the topic, and what hasn’t worked. It’s a time to ask questions, get coaching, and if you like, ask for an accountability buddy from the group.

Here’s an example of topics:

• Strategies to help in crisis and how to know what’s best for your situation
• Learn the do’s & don’t’s for conversations with your loved one
• Learn deescalation techniques

It’s great when a crisis is a wakeup call that results in longterm change, but with addiction it’s likely the impaired brain of addiction is stronger then a wakeup call. Your role is to support your loved one, not addiction. There will be a series of decisions to be made. The Crisis group is an environment of likeminded people to support you brainstorming options and providing resources for you to make decisions that are best for you.

The crisis of your loved one comes with a message and an opportunity. Your loved one cannot recognize it. But with your abilities to stay regulated and calm, it’s much more likely that you can use crisis to make new decisions.

Take crisis seriously.

You have choices: an online group or individual coaching.